In case you didn't know, it's just ONE WEEK until my wedding! Technically less, actually, because it is midnight now and therefore a week from the first day of our honeymoon. :) I can't believe it. The past six-ish months have been so long and so short at the same time, truly a phenomenon of physics.
One thing is for certain: I never want to look at another pinwheel again.
Or program. Or tablecloth. Or iTunes (still not done with my own wedding music!).
Wedding stuff is seriously getting poopy now. I am burned out for sure. Every day has mostly been comprised of me and my parents doing wedding-related shopping, crafting, planning, freaking out, and other activities. I barely see any of my friends, mostly because the majority of them are not in Orlando at present but also just due to me being busy and them having lives. I keep being left around 10 p.m. to yet another night of Frasier reruns. Don't get me wrong, Frasier is my favorite television show ever -- there just comes a point where you are ready for a little more jazz going on in life around that time than Kelsey Grammer.
The stress and boredom that comes with cutting out programs on a $6 paper cutter all day manifests in ways that aren't good. I find myself getting more irritable a lot faster. When my neck hurts and I've messed up a handful and need to print more, I feel more fussy. That collides with my interactions with Darin, who is also very busy with work and other things, leaving both of us exhausted throughout the day. I take his busyness and tiredness as him nonverbally saying, "You're not that important to me. I don't want to talk to you," rather than "You are so important to me, I am just really tired right now and can't talk long." The continued frustration of having less and less quality time with him as the wedding draws near makes the occasion all the more frustrating! It seems illogical, but it's hard to plunk down and DIY more and more for your wedding when you are worried your groom isn't really that excited to be with you himself.
Stewing in feelings of sadness, it hit me like a ton of bricks tonight as I was washing my face: SPIRITUAL WARFARE, CHICA. That is the connector between everything else. Satan is a master deceiver and wants God's children to feel uneasy and frustrated when huge events that glorify God approach. There are so many little opportunities for him to do his work, from conflating small issues into mountains of irritation for me in wedding planning, to twisting my interactions with Darin into visions of rejection and loneliness. Getting married and becoming one is a huge day of joy in the Christian kingdom because it honors God's plan for starting families and doing ministry as a permanent team, embodying the love Jesus has for his people! Why is it a big surprise that Satan would be so interested in meddling with a bride the week of her wedding?
What encourages me to consider is that he does this because we are moving towards something that is God's exciting plan for us, one that we are so grateful and overjoyed to take. There isn't a doubt in my mind that I am doing what I am meant to do. I am getting married to not only a godly and strong man, but also one who is my best friend! Realizing how much he means to me and how much our union pleases God and should point to Him combats the lies that want to take hold of my life as the wedding gets closer. It's important to pray for the strength to say no to untruth and withstand the temptation to have an outburst that I will regret later.
Believe that God is good.
Believe that He loves you.
Believe that the people He's given you in life love you, too.
I am hoping that this message is more firmly anchored into my heart. It's the weapon I need to fight these invisible wars and be the victor in enjoying this last week before I marry the love of my life and start my brand new life by his side!
"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
Love, Lara
P.S. THANK YOU LORD THAT THIS LONG DISTANCE IS ENDING. I SERIOUSLY HATE IT ABOUT AS MUCH AS I HATE THE DEVIL. IT IS NOT GOOD.
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
The Humility of "I Do"
Weddings have a lot to do with humility. Ironic, given all the psycho brides on TLC today; weddings provide a great opportunity for women (and also men, a lot of the time) to run away with their pride and make several months increasingly about them until one day is over. But for the average, mostly sane woman getting married, a lot of humility comes into play as well.
Humility tends to be forced on you, but that's just how it goes!
I see more and more how much I am a scatterbrained, forgetful, and accidentally inconsiderate mess as the weeks go on. I had a horrific time trying to figure out bridesmaids, which makes it seem like it's great that I have so many good friends, but really just made me feel bad and mess some things up. Trying to keep the budget in tact has involved a lot of research, hair pulling, and hunching over a table for hours on end tying ribbons and punching corners of card stock for invitations I made on Photoshop by myself. (If you like how they turned out, hire me!!! Hahaha) Little changes in the plans and difficulties communicating what is going on with planning has led to some little snaps at Darin for not reading my mind.
And I've somehow missed sending a few invitations. A "few" isn't very many unless it describes people you know and love and want to make feel welcome and important! How in the world could I have done that?! I cross-checked my list SO MANY FREAKING TIMES THAT I CAN'T EVEN. And yet I get texts every week or so that say, "Hey babe, don't worry, but somehow __________ didn't get an invitation yet." Did I make one in the first place? I thought so! I CHECKED THAT DAGGUM LIST! IT HAS COLOR CODES AND SO MANY HELPFUL FEATURES. But alas, there are people wondering what happened to their invite.
My stress levels make my inner psycho come alive sometimes. I get so worried. Did they think I forgot? Or that I wouldn't invite them at all? Do they think I'm too stupid to stay organized and take care of everything? Do they think I didn't read millions of Martha Stewart wedding etiquette articles on her blog!? I must not even seem high-functioning enough to be married to another human being. (Panicked voice, not snarky voice.)
Humility time!
- I am a speck of the universe.
- I can't ruin people's lives or self-esteem with pieces of paper.
- I am a flawed human being.
- I am not likely to be the master of my fiance's guest list... full of people I've only met a few times. And with tons of similar names. (Families are like that I guess, haha.)
- My wedding will be a real life event, not a glamor shoot for a magazine.
- It's not all about me... it's about glorifying God's way of unifying two people to represent Christ's unity with the church!
BOOM! Can't argue with that! (Ephesians 5:22-33)
Everything in life has a way of pointing back to the gospel. Our goal in everything. And our identities are tied in the Lord, not our ability to keep UPS-worthy records of invitations.
Even if you literally have no earthly clue how it is possible that any could not make their destination.
This wedding will happen and it will be GOOD! I am thankful for humbling experiences to continue reminding me of what the purpose of this wedding is... actually getting married!
Love, Lara
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Hurdles
Okay, I have a really interesting update that feels like a huge deal to Darin and I more than other people, probably. I feel like the discussions we've been having and the issues we've been trying to address have really taken over a lot of our conversations since I've been visiting this past week, and yet I wouldn't be surprised if spectators answered back, "What's the big deal?"
The big question has been this: to live in the actual city of Detroit, or not.
It seemed kind of like a given at first. Darin has lived in the city for some years and enjoys the atmosphere, and is very involved in an awesome church on the east side that is very missionally focused towards their community. It requires a strong heart of compassion for a city that not many people feel compassionate about. Detroit does get a worse rap than it deserves, with many people fearing driving downtown to eat somewhere, even. (I've heard similar things about downtown Orlando and the area of Tampa where I live right now. Wimps! Hahaha.)
I have been viewing my transition to moving up here as a lose-all for winning one guy. Not that I was bitter about this, but that the fact of the matter was that I was giving up my familiarity, my weather, my family, my friends, my Publix and Chick-Fil-A (gentle sobbing), and some other things that would be a challenge to say good-bye to. Of course, not permanently, as I am sure I will be visiting my favorite subtropical peninsula sometimes and that some Floridians I love would perhaps pay me a visit in the Mitten, too. Yet I was faced with a huge sacrifice to make the wisest decision -- marrying my best man friend who has a stable job and a super family -- and tried my best to accept it and be at peace.
There was an itching feeling of uncertainty, though, about the caveat of living in Detroit. Now, let me make this quite clear: I have heard gunshots in my lifetime. Some kind of rivalry blew up in the parking lot of where I now live about a year ago and someone ended up with a big bullethole in his butt. (This kind of cracks me up, still, hahaha.) I grew up around and interact with all kinds of different people, not just typical suburban white people. I don't think I'm that sheltered! I guess I just felt like every last bit of comfort I could possibly have was going to be stripped away if I was living in Detroit. I didn't know where to get groceries or gas by myself without being afraid, or parking on the street and hauling patooty back to my house or apartment like I already do now in Tampa.
Darin knew about my discomfort. I wasn't very good at expressing it, either at all or in the right way, but he knew that I was a little less than thrilled at the prospect of setting up camp somewhere that was really unfamiliar to me. He correctly assessed, too, that being a girl, it's just different for me to imagine settling down in the so-called "ghetto" than a guy. He had a bit of a hard time trying to understand how I wouldn't feel safe somewhere if he was going to be there doing his best to protect me.
We had a bit of difficulty trying to figure out the right reasons to live where we would end up living. There are logical and personal reasons from both our points of view that made it hard to be sure. The biggest hurdle was Darin's involvement with his church, because he loves the solid biblical teaching and the community setup, with lots of opportunities to serve and be involved. While I really do like his church and always enjoyed visiting, I just did not have that same personal connection that made me completely devoted to the cause of Detroit and living there to be a good neighbor.
This whole week, we have been at dinner several times talking through our pieces, trying to understand each other while gently pointing out flaws in each other's thought processes. We really had a textbook-worthy series of peaceful, thoughtful, respectful, and loving chats about what to do and why. We both had stubborn little things that we stuck to and couldn't really see past, in some respects. But on Sunday, after Darin discussed these things through with his fellow childcare volunteers, he told me, "Lara, I am deciding that we will wait to live in Detroit."
I was a little relieved, but also nervous that Darin was just giving up things that he cared about and doing something that would make me happy but leave him a little resentful and discontent. I said so. He was still working through convincing his emotional self that he thought it was the right thing to do, but had made the logical decision to stay closer to where he works. He didn't ultimately think we needed to dive into Detroit right away, and that we would in a way be milking all the benefits from his church without fully participating and sacrificing for it, as many other families do by planning to settle down in the city for years, not months.
We are in agreement, and trying our best to comfort each other through our fears and frustrations. Darin keeps saying, "I have never had to make such a hard decision in my life! I'm used to making decisions for just myself." I can totally agree with that, and know that there will be other things we will have to work through to be at peace. And I do want to respect him as a leader, not trying to have two presidents running our family -- I willingly say that Darin is the man of the house and that I trust him to be wise. I know he cares very much about my feelings and opinions, and takes them into account. I want to be able to live this out for our kids one day so that they can rest assured that there are no power battles in our house; Mom and Dad respect one another and make decisions that stick.
In short, I'm thankful for this opportunity to work through something really hard with Darin, and see what it's really like having to live with someone else in marriage, eventually. We both feel stronger for it. So the name of this blog can still be "Living with the D," because we sure will be hanging around in Detroit. I really do love and enjoy it. It's just not where we'll be resting our heads at night for now. And of course, the person "D" is not going anywhere, either. ;)
I hope this encourages people in some way! Especially people who aren't sure that twenty-somethings can make a relationship really work, because they can and they will. Even when it's a little sticky.
Love, Lara
The big question has been this: to live in the actual city of Detroit, or not.
It seemed kind of like a given at first. Darin has lived in the city for some years and enjoys the atmosphere, and is very involved in an awesome church on the east side that is very missionally focused towards their community. It requires a strong heart of compassion for a city that not many people feel compassionate about. Detroit does get a worse rap than it deserves, with many people fearing driving downtown to eat somewhere, even. (I've heard similar things about downtown Orlando and the area of Tampa where I live right now. Wimps! Hahaha.)
I have been viewing my transition to moving up here as a lose-all for winning one guy. Not that I was bitter about this, but that the fact of the matter was that I was giving up my familiarity, my weather, my family, my friends, my Publix and Chick-Fil-A (gentle sobbing), and some other things that would be a challenge to say good-bye to. Of course, not permanently, as I am sure I will be visiting my favorite subtropical peninsula sometimes and that some Floridians I love would perhaps pay me a visit in the Mitten, too. Yet I was faced with a huge sacrifice to make the wisest decision -- marrying my best man friend who has a stable job and a super family -- and tried my best to accept it and be at peace.
There was an itching feeling of uncertainty, though, about the caveat of living in Detroit. Now, let me make this quite clear: I have heard gunshots in my lifetime. Some kind of rivalry blew up in the parking lot of where I now live about a year ago and someone ended up with a big bullethole in his butt. (This kind of cracks me up, still, hahaha.) I grew up around and interact with all kinds of different people, not just typical suburban white people. I don't think I'm that sheltered! I guess I just felt like every last bit of comfort I could possibly have was going to be stripped away if I was living in Detroit. I didn't know where to get groceries or gas by myself without being afraid, or parking on the street and hauling patooty back to my house or apartment like I already do now in Tampa.
Darin knew about my discomfort. I wasn't very good at expressing it, either at all or in the right way, but he knew that I was a little less than thrilled at the prospect of setting up camp somewhere that was really unfamiliar to me. He correctly assessed, too, that being a girl, it's just different for me to imagine settling down in the so-called "ghetto" than a guy. He had a bit of a hard time trying to understand how I wouldn't feel safe somewhere if he was going to be there doing his best to protect me.
We had a bit of difficulty trying to figure out the right reasons to live where we would end up living. There are logical and personal reasons from both our points of view that made it hard to be sure. The biggest hurdle was Darin's involvement with his church, because he loves the solid biblical teaching and the community setup, with lots of opportunities to serve and be involved. While I really do like his church and always enjoyed visiting, I just did not have that same personal connection that made me completely devoted to the cause of Detroit and living there to be a good neighbor.
This whole week, we have been at dinner several times talking through our pieces, trying to understand each other while gently pointing out flaws in each other's thought processes. We really had a textbook-worthy series of peaceful, thoughtful, respectful, and loving chats about what to do and why. We both had stubborn little things that we stuck to and couldn't really see past, in some respects. But on Sunday, after Darin discussed these things through with his fellow childcare volunteers, he told me, "Lara, I am deciding that we will wait to live in Detroit."
I was a little relieved, but also nervous that Darin was just giving up things that he cared about and doing something that would make me happy but leave him a little resentful and discontent. I said so. He was still working through convincing his emotional self that he thought it was the right thing to do, but had made the logical decision to stay closer to where he works. He didn't ultimately think we needed to dive into Detroit right away, and that we would in a way be milking all the benefits from his church without fully participating and sacrificing for it, as many other families do by planning to settle down in the city for years, not months.
We are in agreement, and trying our best to comfort each other through our fears and frustrations. Darin keeps saying, "I have never had to make such a hard decision in my life! I'm used to making decisions for just myself." I can totally agree with that, and know that there will be other things we will have to work through to be at peace. And I do want to respect him as a leader, not trying to have two presidents running our family -- I willingly say that Darin is the man of the house and that I trust him to be wise. I know he cares very much about my feelings and opinions, and takes them into account. I want to be able to live this out for our kids one day so that they can rest assured that there are no power battles in our house; Mom and Dad respect one another and make decisions that stick.
In short, I'm thankful for this opportunity to work through something really hard with Darin, and see what it's really like having to live with someone else in marriage, eventually. We both feel stronger for it. So the name of this blog can still be "Living with the D," because we sure will be hanging around in Detroit. I really do love and enjoy it. It's just not where we'll be resting our heads at night for now. And of course, the person "D" is not going anywhere, either. ;)
I hope this encourages people in some way! Especially people who aren't sure that twenty-somethings can make a relationship really work, because they can and they will. Even when it's a little sticky.
Love, Lara
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)